How to deepen intimacy by better navigating your ‘hooks’
This week’s show is with Alison Armstrong, Alison’s exploration of human behaviour began in 1991, with her decision to study men, “To find out how I was bringing out the worst in them. And hopefully, how to bring out the best.” Her success in understanding men naturally led to studying women’s behaviour and making vital connections between the two.
Armstrong distinguishes human instincts that compel both men and women to behave in ways that contradict and undermine our own purposes, goals, values, needs and relationships. She offers partnership-based alternatives giving millions of people access to more fulfilling lives, loving relationships, stronger families and productive organisations.
Armstrong is a sought-after speaker and thought-leader amongst people with the desire to live empowered lives. Alison’s philosophy and approach is frequently referenced and taught by other authors, speakers, business consultants and therapists.
This is Alison’s second time on the show, last time we spoke about how men and women can live in a way that honours our natural strengths and allows us to complement each other instead of being in conflict or competition with each other. This time we spoke about how we can put those principles into action, even with all of the stresses, triggers and strains that show up in all of our lives. Again, Alison blew me away with her depth and breadth of insight into this topic, and her gorgeous way with words that really helps her message lands. This is truly an incredible episode.
I’d love to know what YOU think about this week’s show. Let’s carry on the conversation… please leave a comment below.
What you’ll learn from this episode:
I love Alison’s metaphor of velcro… imagine you’re wearing a loop suit made up of instincts, hormones, and experiences including trauma, which then gets hooked by experiences in the outside world as well as by internal feelings such as anger or fear. When we try to create a hook-free life it means life gets smaller and smaller.
We experience something, make a conclusion about it and then create a strategy for that. We then filter our perception of life through that strategy, growing and strengthening that loop with every experience. We can create space when we allow our loops to be called into question rather than validated – as the example I shared with my conversation with Jonathan showed.
Lastly, you can find embodied ways to really feel your feelings and memorise the experience of the feelings that are important to you – both desired and undesired. Alison mentioned tension as a common feeling that is worthwhile recognising and using as a sign to check in with what’s going on for you. I’ve personally benefitted from that awareness and now see the feeling of tension as an important clue rather than something to ignore or numb.
Resources and stuff that we spoke about:
Thank You for Listening!
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Thank you!
Lian & Jonathan