The story of when I was a boy

By Lian Brook-Tyler

I’ve been lying in bed looking through old photos with the children.

The timing is interesting because this month in Waking The Wild Medicine we’ve been entering the crucible of Story (especially the telling of the story of our wounds and gifts… and telling them from Sovereignty), so my younger self has already been more in my awareness than usual.

On Tuesday, I told the Circle the story of why I spent my childhood looking and acting like a boy. In short, it was because I thought anything Feminine was weak and unlovable.

And then funnily enough, my son said this morning whilst looking at my childhood photos “You look like a boy, Mama!”

I believe my response to him saying that was different to what it would have been even a week ago... because something has been illuminated and integrated more deeply in the sovereign telling of my story to my Circle.

Fast forwarding a bit, in these photos I was 19. A photography student friend asked if I would help him out with creating his portfolio.

I look so open, strong and confident here (woah! so self-possessed at 19!), when in fact, I mostly felt anything but. The story I could have told about myself then was one of inadequacy, uncertainty and a desperate need for control to keep myself safe.

It would be many years before I had reclaimed and integrated the parts of me from shadow that would allow me to feel open, strong and confident (and so much more)... truly and deeply.

The stories I can tell about myself now are very different but they don’t deny or dismiss the stories I used to tell. The old stories made me who I am, they are a portal of connection for others with similar stories and they are a beacon of light for the possibility of telling a new one.✨

 
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